You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
