We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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