Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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