a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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