three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
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