haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
