Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
