pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
