Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So squirting runs in the family.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
