I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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