dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
