hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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