I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
