Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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