how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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