Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
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