I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
