A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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