i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
