Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
