So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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