he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
