There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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