you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize