my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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