Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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