I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
