saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
