please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
