I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
