I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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