So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
