Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
