I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
