I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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