Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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