I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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