I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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