he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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