Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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