We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My penis needs a shock collar
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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