No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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