well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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