Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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