I just pynch a tree in the face
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
