To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
