omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
