she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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