Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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