evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
