She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
