Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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