the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
