I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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