my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
