remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
