If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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