Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
