if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
