ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
